Utopia.

"Suddenly I realised that I wanted everything to be as it was when I was younger. When you're young enough, you don't know that you live in a cheap lousy apartment. A cracked chair is nothing other than a chair. A dandelion growing out of a crack in the sidewalk outside your front door is a garden. You could believe that a song your parent was singing in the evening was the most tragic opera in the world. It never occurs to you when you are very young to need something other than what your parents have to offer you."

Closer.

"Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you. It's me, remember? It was a stupid thing to do and it meant nothing. If you love me enough, you'll forgive me."

Transfixed.

Ive visited this place so many times before
But each time its the same,
Each time I'm the same
Each time I was lost in my dream
In my grey zone. Neither here nor there.
In transition.

This time it's real.

This time it's not the same,
This time I've changed,
This time I really am lost
Lost in the real world,
Souless and alone.

Chained and Transfixed.

Emotional Overload

I smell you on my skin.
I feel your hand in mine.
I feel my hand in yours.
I see your loving smile.
I feel my tears roll down.
I curl up in a ball.
I pray that I could fly.
I need to be alone right now.
I want to disappear.

I can't deal with this right now.

Beyond Repair.

I wish I could be the moon tonight.
Im so tired.
I really wish I could be the moon.

Invisible Enemy Whispering In My Ear.

Please stop speaking
Stop telling me what to do.
You're there every day
Every night, everywhere
Planted in the shadows
Hiding in the trees.

You tell me to do things
Some things I may not like
To slice so deep
To wound myself
Draw out my tainted blood.

Then I have to hide it.
You like that game I know.
Hide and seek with humans
See if they go unknown.

No one sees through me though,
You'll always lose that game
No one suspects a single thing.

But the problem is, that you don't give in
You continue to provoke.
You haunt and taunt and scream to me
You just won't leave me be.

One day I'll learn to ignore you,
To let my wounds heal up.
I'll tenderly touch my scars at night
Knowing I fought through.

I know one day I can achieve it
Be rid of you for good
I'll bear the war wounds from the darkened days
As my everlasting marker
Of what you made me do.

Have It Your Way.

Hold me
Touch me
Need me
Want me
Feel me

Leave me
Ignore me
Brush past me
Laugh at me

Stample on me
Trample me
Crush me
Finish me

Gone.

Life Can Be A Bitch.

Its so strange how sometimes you can wait patiently for something for longer than you feel is fair. That you can wait for something for such a seemingly endless amount of time and for so long that you think you will only ever dream of it and never experience it. And then suddenly, it’s staring at you in the face. It’s looking into your eyes reading you like the words on a page and the chapters in a book. Its making you feel things that you could not ever have imagined. It’s validating you. And now that its there, Now that is right there at arms length. You can’t have it. It’s like a hologram hovering in front of you. A horrible joke. Someone playing a prank. Dangling the carrot in front of the donkey.

Even though you had that feeling and you got to know what it would be like
Even though for that one fleeting moment you felt worthy
Yes it’s a wonderful thing.
Yes it’s a second longer in your life that’s spent feeling special

But take it from me,

It leaves you feeling emptier.
Lonelier
Lost
And more abandoned than before.

It makes you feel like the person looking in. The friend trailing behind dragging her feet

But most of all, it makes you feel foolish. Foolish that you could let something get in the way of a potentially amazing thing. Foolish for even thinking you could ever really have such an ideal package. And foolish for not realizing earlier.

The Darkest Kiss of All.

"...Now you see me lying here, so silent, so beautiful. You'll never hear me laugh again, you'll never see me smile, you'll never caress my soft skin, you'll never hold me close to you, you'll never kiss my lips, you'll never look into my eyes again and you'll never sing to me again. But you'll see me in your dreams, and I'll haunt you until the day you die because it was you who did it. It was you who killed me and I'll never let that go..."

Can i tell you a little secret?

When life becomes just one huge blur. One scribble on a page. One crunchy autumn leaf.
When living becomes too much. Too complicated. Too emotionless from the rush of emotions.
When people become one person. No differentiation. No similarity. No longer human.
I need to escape somewhere, anywhere. I need to connect. To have that one moment of knowing.
I need that surge of electricity to make me feel alive. To connect me to living. To reconnect me with the world. To remind me that i need to see. I need to feel. To reawaken my senses. To remove the numbness. The nothingness. The blankness. To coax me out of hiding.
I need to be snapped back into reality. Out of my own special world.

- But i like it there. Its safe. Its where id like to live. Its where time stops, stands still and waits. Waits patiently. Waits for me to catch up. Where time is mine and mine alone. Where i survive. Where I'm secure. I really really like it there. Its safe. Its mine. Its far away. Its where id like to live someday.

......You've Got Me Tightly In Your Grip......

When you open the door it makes me smile to see you
When you say hello it makes me want to hold you
When you say goodbye it makes me want to kiss you
When you call i cant hold back the smile - a big cheshire cat grin
When i hang up i want to hang on
When you hang up i want you to want to hang on
When im not with you i think of you
When i think of you i miss you
When im with you i hold onto time and the precious seconds we have together
When i drive off and you wave i wonder if you miss me already
When i drive off and you wave i miss you already
When i imagine the future i place you in it
Im not sure where though but i want you there
I want you always there.
When i imagine the future i wonder if you imagine me in yours
Do you not just see me in it but also even want me in it?

I wish i could see through your eyes just for one moment - Im always trying to look in.
If im looking out from the inside i'd know what you think
I'd know if you care
I'd know if you feel
I'd know how you see me
I'd know if you want me
I'd know if you need me
I'd know if you deeply care for me
I'd know if i meant anything
I'd just know.

Moving to the Moon.

I cant take all this shit anymore. Its just one thing after the other.
I'm not this, I'm not that... 'you're worthless', 'you're a waste of space'.
Fuck it all.
I cant seem to please anyone.
If I'm such a failure at everything why even bother anymore.
I'll just fly to the moon and live there away from everything and everyone and look down at it all and laugh.

Repeat After Me

i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am i am what i am.

I Am What I Am

Breathe.
Calm.
Relax.
Remember

I AM WHAT I AM.

Accept.

.....im running away screaming

Everything is so fucked up. Why are people so hard to understand? We're all the same species so it should make sense. I should be able to understand why but i havnt got a fucking clue. People dont make it any easier for each other though either.

Im properly lost in this black hole of other peoples emotions and so confused by it all that i dont have a chance to remember that i also have some. I have emotions. I am fucking human. Im definately no angel and i have plenty faults but seriously what the fuck!?

Ive forgotten about the fact that it all affects me too and screws me over.

maybe if i stay frustrated long enough and my blood boils longer it will all just evaporate away taking me with it and i'll just make other peoples lives easier by not being in them and not cause anyone else any problems anymore. Im sick of it.

i want to be a little nothing for the rest of my life.
i cant be arsed with it any more. i want to press the eject button from life and just escape to as far away as fucking possible as soon as fucking possible.

Dreaming of Being Loved By Only You.

Hear me out and let me speak,

Let me banter,
Let me be weak.
Just let me pretend, there's no extra cost.
It's free to imagine what could emerge.
It's free to think of future days and weeks.

I was there tonight and it was so damn hard.

Let me just dream it
It's my only real hope,
After i leave him i always replay,
I say these words aloud to no one
to no one but me
wishing they float towards you
Powered by the magnetic attraction i constantly feel,
Pray that they might just really come true...

"Maybe one day it will be me and you."

Whispers in the Wind.

I reaslised I want you in my future
To let you know I cared
But now youre gone and out my life
I think its all too far behind.

But if it think it hard enough..
Close my eyes a squeeze them tight
Will you hear me whisper it?
I want you in my life.

Gentle Darkness

One day you are going to find someone who understands you like no one else.

They will know all there is to know about you
understand what it is that gets to you
Figure out the whole act you portray

But what if,
What if you don't want them to know?
You don't want them to find out your deepest darkest secrets?
To not just know about, but to understand them too.

The blackness inside is so private
Part of some hidden world
A personal internal world that belongs to only you
Where birds don't sing and children don't laugh.
A world of nothingness
Population : One
Caressed by a dark thick velvet blanket that rests gently on the top
Darkness like no other
Glistening like wet paint
A desperation like trying to resist immortalising a hand print in wet cement.
Pain that feels so great, so real and so much alive.

It's a holiday retreat
An addiction to the moon
It's my space
My place
My time alone,
It's my nighttime sanctuary.

Playtime.

Sometimes, the more crap you go through the more you want to be alone.
The more you wish and dream of being able to curl up in a small ball encasing your problems as the core.
Keep them close and hidden. Protected.
Protected from the real world.

Then late at night they come out to play.

Thinking Aloud.

What's that word?
You know the one.
...to make someone feel small,
...someone feel irrelevant?

You know it.
You do it all the time,
belittle,
demean,
destroy?

I guess destroy will do.
One day i'll tell you,
let you know how it made me feel.
mabye now will do,

I feel worthless
drained and empty inside
theres nothing left of me,
I'm a shell,
A seashell if you like.

Abandonded,
Swept away by the sea
I close my eyes and imagine them
Cold, frothy waves crashing down upon me

'It's not quite like that though'
im thinking as i slide beneath my own sea

My sea of water - it's bathtime now you see.
The last moments spent watching the airbubbles rise,
not just any, but mine,
My airbubbles breaking as they reach the surface line.

And then?

nothing.
black.
it's over.
c'est fini.

Consequences.

You've changed so much, I guess that's what happens.

I wish you knew how much you changed me.

I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me.

Because mine's different.

You taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other.

I guess that's what happens.

Its only human to make mistakes.

A person doesnt have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.

Im not very good at understanding what i feel. I used to think i was.

I hate how i always realise when its way too late, when the moments passed. Once ive totally blown it by dreaming of what is nothing to do with reality and accepting only perfection which can never be found. I dont even know what perfection is in my imagination so how can i bloody well find it in real life?!

By accepting only perfection ive discovered that ive actually rejected a whole lot of amazing things and now i am simply left wondering what could have been and wondering it all by myself.

mabye i could have been sitting here wondering it with you.
if i was with you mabye i wouldnt be wondering about you.
mabye we could have been something great.
i think ive screwed up.
I tried to tell you tonight but you didnt want to know.
I think i might actually miss you.
Fuck.