Whispers in the Wind.

I reaslised I want you in my future
To let you know I cared
But now youre gone and out my life
I think its all too far behind.

But if it think it hard enough..
Close my eyes a squeeze them tight
Will you hear me whisper it?
I want you in my life.

Gentle Darkness

One day you are going to find someone who understands you like no one else.

They will know all there is to know about you
understand what it is that gets to you
Figure out the whole act you portray

But what if,
What if you don't want them to know?
You don't want them to find out your deepest darkest secrets?
To not just know about, but to understand them too.

The blackness inside is so private
Part of some hidden world
A personal internal world that belongs to only you
Where birds don't sing and children don't laugh.
A world of nothingness
Population : One
Caressed by a dark thick velvet blanket that rests gently on the top
Darkness like no other
Glistening like wet paint
A desperation like trying to resist immortalising a hand print in wet cement.
Pain that feels so great, so real and so much alive.

It's a holiday retreat
An addiction to the moon
It's my space
My place
My time alone,
It's my nighttime sanctuary.

Playtime.

Sometimes, the more crap you go through the more you want to be alone.
The more you wish and dream of being able to curl up in a small ball encasing your problems as the core.
Keep them close and hidden. Protected.
Protected from the real world.

Then late at night they come out to play.

Thinking Aloud.

What's that word?
You know the one.
...to make someone feel small,
...someone feel irrelevant?

You know it.
You do it all the time,
belittle,
demean,
destroy?

I guess destroy will do.
One day i'll tell you,
let you know how it made me feel.
mabye now will do,

I feel worthless
drained and empty inside
theres nothing left of me,
I'm a shell,
A seashell if you like.

Abandonded,
Swept away by the sea
I close my eyes and imagine them
Cold, frothy waves crashing down upon me

'It's not quite like that though'
im thinking as i slide beneath my own sea

My sea of water - it's bathtime now you see.
The last moments spent watching the airbubbles rise,
not just any, but mine,
My airbubbles breaking as they reach the surface line.

And then?

nothing.
black.
it's over.
c'est fini.

Consequences.

You've changed so much, I guess that's what happens.

I wish you knew how much you changed me.

I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me.

Because mine's different.

You taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other.

I guess that's what happens.

Its only human to make mistakes.

A person doesnt have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.

Im not very good at understanding what i feel. I used to think i was.

I hate how i always realise when its way too late, when the moments passed. Once ive totally blown it by dreaming of what is nothing to do with reality and accepting only perfection which can never be found. I dont even know what perfection is in my imagination so how can i bloody well find it in real life?!

By accepting only perfection ive discovered that ive actually rejected a whole lot of amazing things and now i am simply left wondering what could have been and wondering it all by myself.

mabye i could have been sitting here wondering it with you.
if i was with you mabye i wouldnt be wondering about you.
mabye we could have been something great.
i think ive screwed up.
I tried to tell you tonight but you didnt want to know.
I think i might actually miss you.
Fuck.