Forever begins now.

Laying in the darkness I'm cold and unaware.
Never wanting all that much
Never knowing that you care
All I want is you right here
Right here,
Not inside my head

I want the human being
You just as you are
I need and want and love you
And truth is,
I really do.
And it gets to me
It gets to me every day
I wake up in the morning
Feel out of place and scared
I don’t know the face I see
The face laying next to me
The one I open my eyes to
The reflection he sees every day

I gave myself to him
Now I'm under lock and key
I did it all for only you
For my need of wanting you

I thought this way you would have seen
Become aware of this reality
that he got what you should have had
What you could have had.

But now all that bit too late,
I realised where I went wrong.
Why did I never stop filtering out what I saw,
You’ve never wanted me.

Now its clear for all to see
As I'm floating right above you
released from it all
I see the true side to you
As you laugh and walk away

You knew I was going to do it
you only stopped to stare
stared straight through me coldly
shattered my brittle heart
I pulled it.
Pulled it right then and there
I had to end it all.

You may as well have taken it from me
Placed the barrel in my mouth
In fact, I should have offered
should have let you pull that trigger

I loved you.
I needed you.
And all you had to do was touch me
To show me that you cared

That wasn’t so much to ask
Compassion for my life
I wish you had known how often id lay awake
How I lay there and let him have me
All the time wishing so hard
so unbelievably hard that he was you

I feel so demoralized
Gave my dignity away
There’s nothing left of me now
No reason for me to stay,
Its time that I just float away
Far from where I lay
Trapped in eternity
Alone forever more.

I wish my reflection was me.

I'm trying to understand my emotions nowadays and neutralise the ones I'm not happy possessing.

sometimes i find it hard.
sometimes i find myself in an intense state of jealously and find there's nothing i can do about it.

Only when its seems that my dreams are being snatched away from me and placed out of my reach.

I crave the ability to do great things and become so successful but there just seems to be so much in my way stopping me...

...most of all, myself.

I don't really understand how it is that i manage to stop myself getting where i want to be. I can only get there if i really want it - which i do - and yet i then work against myself knowingly.

I just look in the mirror and i don't like who i see sometimes. Sometimes i feel so far from who i want to be and from who i think i am.
I wish i could step through the mirror and merge with my reflection leaving nothing behind. Then i could just disappear where no one could find me.
Vanish leaving no trace of me left.
Float off into my own existence in my own world safe from all the rejection and shit life brings.

I doubt i would be missed anyway.

I just don't get me sometimes.

Stop Doing It.

I dont know how you keep doing it but somehow whenever im with you, without you even realising, you keep telling me things about me before i even feel them.

These things that i havent even had a chance to work out yet.
You so innocently sit there opposite me and move on to another topic and i just sit there responding like an automated machine knowing you will never realise one key thing.

I know you wont ever realise the one thing you will never be able to tell me before i feel it.. and that one thing?

how i feel about you.

Stopping. Taking a minute. Breathing. Realising.

Ok, Seriously now.

This is it.

I have got to do it.

Get a life...

Get somewhere... Anywhere even..

Be Someone.

Just Bloody Be.

Just.

- i only wish it were all that simple.