Forever begins now.

Laying in the darkness I'm cold and unaware.
Never wanting all that much
Never knowing that you care
All I want is you right here
Right here,
Not inside my head

I want the human being
You just as you are
I need and want and love you
And truth is,
I really do.
And it gets to me
It gets to me every day
I wake up in the morning
Feel out of place and scared
I don’t know the face I see
The face laying next to me
The one I open my eyes to
The reflection he sees every day

I gave myself to him
Now I'm under lock and key
I did it all for only you
For my need of wanting you

I thought this way you would have seen
Become aware of this reality
that he got what you should have had
What you could have had.

But now all that bit too late,
I realised where I went wrong.
Why did I never stop filtering out what I saw,
You’ve never wanted me.

Now its clear for all to see
As I'm floating right above you
released from it all
I see the true side to you
As you laugh and walk away

You knew I was going to do it
you only stopped to stare
stared straight through me coldly
shattered my brittle heart
I pulled it.
Pulled it right then and there
I had to end it all.

You may as well have taken it from me
Placed the barrel in my mouth
In fact, I should have offered
should have let you pull that trigger

I loved you.
I needed you.
And all you had to do was touch me
To show me that you cared

That wasn’t so much to ask
Compassion for my life
I wish you had known how often id lay awake
How I lay there and let him have me
All the time wishing so hard
so unbelievably hard that he was you

I feel so demoralized
Gave my dignity away
There’s nothing left of me now
No reason for me to stay,
Its time that I just float away
Far from where I lay
Trapped in eternity
Alone forever more.

I wish my reflection was me.

I'm trying to understand my emotions nowadays and neutralise the ones I'm not happy possessing.

sometimes i find it hard.
sometimes i find myself in an intense state of jealously and find there's nothing i can do about it.

Only when its seems that my dreams are being snatched away from me and placed out of my reach.

I crave the ability to do great things and become so successful but there just seems to be so much in my way stopping me...

...most of all, myself.

I don't really understand how it is that i manage to stop myself getting where i want to be. I can only get there if i really want it - which i do - and yet i then work against myself knowingly.

I just look in the mirror and i don't like who i see sometimes. Sometimes i feel so far from who i want to be and from who i think i am.
I wish i could step through the mirror and merge with my reflection leaving nothing behind. Then i could just disappear where no one could find me.
Vanish leaving no trace of me left.
Float off into my own existence in my own world safe from all the rejection and shit life brings.

I doubt i would be missed anyway.

I just don't get me sometimes.

Stop Doing It.

I dont know how you keep doing it but somehow whenever im with you, without you even realising, you keep telling me things about me before i even feel them.

These things that i havent even had a chance to work out yet.
You so innocently sit there opposite me and move on to another topic and i just sit there responding like an automated machine knowing you will never realise one key thing.

I know you wont ever realise the one thing you will never be able to tell me before i feel it.. and that one thing?

how i feel about you.

Stopping. Taking a minute. Breathing. Realising.

Ok, Seriously now.

This is it.

I have got to do it.

Get a life...

Get somewhere... Anywhere even..

Be Someone.

Just Bloody Be.

Just.

- i only wish it were all that simple.

Silhouette.

Sometimes i sit and wonder do you know my name?
Do you even know who i am?
As you brush right past me and walk straight by.
Its me... Im in your class.

Im not some anonymous person,
Im a human being too
but what you havnt realised is what you've made me do.

There are cuts beneath my jumpers
that go deep beneath the skin
they go so deep they no longer hurt,
The pains long gone for now.

Its the way you make me feel small
so irrelevant in the world.
If only someone would notice,
my wounds are clear to see.

Its a lonely feeling that arises as i sit up in my room.
All thats there to comfort me is the blade, my only friend.

Noone here will stop me
I dont know theyd even care,
but as the blade cuts through the blood appears
and i know i am alive.

The blood that flows through the deep blue veins,
that my heart still pumps around.
Its strange how i feel so dead,
so lifeless and long gone...
but really, i am quite alive - its the blood that helps me see.

mabye one day you'll know my name.
mabye one day you'll know who i am
the day that you will read it all upon my grave.
The sanctuary that i will lie in
once ive let all the blood run dry.

Take What You Own

I'm giving my heart to you
Handing it over on a plate
I cut it out so slowly
Carefully with the blade,

I think it may still be beating
But I have no use for it anymore
You stole it from me years ago
Crushed it many times

Here, take it.
Take it from my hand
I'm holding it out to you
Why don’t you understand?

Isn’t it what you always wanted?
I thought that’s what it was
The way you reached inside me
Made it hard for me to stand


You've made me feel so foolish,
Done it yet again,
I'm finding it hard to breathe now.

And as you no longer want it
And I don’t need it anymore,

I’ll just lay down nice and quietly
Just lay down on the ground.

Endless.

As i listen to the music,

I'm swallowed by the sounds.

The beat begins to race my heart,
My thoughts arise from slumber.

I thought i had escaped the trauma
of my thoughts within,

But every time the music starts,
my brain begins to spin.

I thought i'd overcome those nights
where id lie awake and ponder,

But clearly, im not yet done
as my brain begins to wander.

What Really Goes On Behind Closed Doors ...

Just take a look through my looking glass,
My crystal clear green eyes.

They're so easy for you to see through
but you just dont want to try.

You stand there staring right at me,
You say you love only me,
but i know where you came from
and i know where you've been.

You dont just truly love me
You just love what you can do,
You grip my arm so tightly
Theres nothing i can do.

You have your way and then leave me,
Abandon me alone,
Soon you will be able to see the harm you've made me do.

You'll come home late at night again,
You'll find me lying dead,
You'll panic and run right back outside,
But you know they'll find the marks.

The hand prints tight around my wrists
The bruising deep inside,
Theres nowhere for you to run now
You're trapped inside my heart.

Confessions To Noone.

Who can i confide in?
Admit to how it is.
Living with this returning ache
For freedom from the mist.

The thick mist surrounds me
The fog lights cant break through
I cant see where im going to
I guess i'll stumble through.

I want them all to like me,
Not to be afraid,
To like how problem free i am,
Ive done quite well so far.

The burden only increases,
As day by day goes by
And nothing gives me a reason
To be feeling this ache inside.

Are You Willing...?

Iron Bar.

I walked away in pieces,
I sewed myself back up
Each stitch a tiny process
As painful as that stick.

The one that used to beat me
The one that used to burn
The one he used to heat up
And hold up to my skin.

Now I walk around and whole
After many stitches burst
They’ve all healed up so well
Finally gone without a trace.

I walk around in one whole piece
Alone and with no strain
There’s been no return of that big iron bar
And that’s the way it shall stay.

Backstage.

As the tears well up behind the lids,
The burning is intense
But i know i have to hold it in for my own personal pretence...

I can't break down,
I can't let go,
I mustn't let them see...

There's only one thing i can do,
I have to hold it in.

Mabye One Day.....

Who would notice?
Who would care?
Where would i be?
Where will you?

How can i leave when theres too much to leave behind.
Why are things all so intertwined
I live one life and Hide the rest
I live how i should be
I'll die how i am.

Merry-Go-Round

The room starts to spin
The Fear and Dread Return
My vision is blurry
Im lost in the moment
Im trapped in my Soul

My whole body trembles
My eyes search for an escape
Im getting dizzy and yet the room still turns
like the whole world around me
Round and a-round like a merry-go-round

An endless cycle; An endless track
How to stop i havnt a clue
what if i shut my eyes?
That doesnt help
and neither does this...

Theres no escape,
this is the moment im trapped in....
Its called my life.